Women needn't suffer in silence

HOME is usually a place associated with warmth, safety and belonging - but for a large proportion of women who suffer domestic violence, it is a regime of terror and fear.

Mary, 50, a Chilterns-based woman with a responsible vocation, endured years of abuse at the hands of her husband before she finally found the courage to break free from their 30-year marriage.

She recalls the sheer terror she felt at the prospect of returning home to their £500,000 farmhouse each night. She says: "I felt safer walking alone in the street at night, than I did at home. I would dread going home because I never knew what would trigger him. It could be something as simple as the fact that he had had a bad journey home on the M25."

Mary and her husband, a wealthy London banker, were childhood sweethearts - they had been married for 15 years before his domineering traits began to worsen.

She explains: "He was always domineering, a very strong character. At the time I thought he was caring and protecting. I would only have to mention something and he would buy it for me.

"He was a strong, caring man for the first 15 years. But something changed. If I said I wanted some shoes, he would go out and buy me three pairs, but if I went out and bought some he would tell me to take them back.

"If we went out he would have to choose the restaurant, the wine, and tell people what they should be eating. If someone disagreed with him he would throw a complete tantrum and ruin everything. He couldn't stand anyone defying him.

"The control became obsessive. I wasn't allowed to use the phone unless I asked. He bought me a car, but I wasn't allowed to use it if it was raining. If I went shopping he wouldn't believe me and I had to produce the car parking ticket to prove it. He would never allow me to choose anything for the home because he said I had no taste. I would get phone calls saying my husband had been to choose outfits for me and would I like to go and try them on?"

Before long, an obsession for control turned into a taste for violence. In the last years of her marriage, Mary suffered two broken noses, burns, numerous bruises and black eyes, at the hands of her husband.

She says: "The violence was terrible. He would hit me on the head and pull my hair - that really hurt. I would wait and wait, but I knew he would never calm down to the point the beating wouldn't happen. It gets to the point where you want it to happen so it's over with. The worst thing was he did it when he was stone cold sober.

"On one occasion when he beat me up, it was so bad that my mum thought I had been in a car accident. I don't wear lots of make-up, but I would put on dark eyeliner - I became quite proficient at it."

Mary says she finally left her violent existence behind when she began to fear for her life, adding: "He did threaten to kill me, but I was convinced it would happen when he pushed me down the stairs or used a weapon to hit me. I don't blame people for saying I was stupid to stay for so long - but I was too weak to go. He made me feel so worthless, I began to think: Maybe I am irritating and maybe I do deserve it.

"But I have been independent now for two years and I am a different person. My message to other women is that a violent relationship never gets better and there is life outside it."

WPC Lucy Price, of High Wycombe Police, oversees all reports of domestic violence in the High Wycombe and Amersham police areas. She says women should not suffer in silence, adding: "There are ways of getting orders to get someone out of the house and prevent the offender coming back. Women don't have to leave immediately, they can plan when they want to leave.

"I try and talk over all the options with women in these situations. I would never force them to do anything - but I am here to give them any advice or useful numbers they need.

"There are no rules attached to domestic violence. It is as prevalent in Beaconsfield as it is in Castlefield. One in five women in the UK have been abused by their partners.

"It is rubbish to say a violent relationship gets better - it gets increasingly worse. My message to women is, if you do nothing else, report the incident to someone - even if you go to the doctor and get your injuries documented. One day you might need it as evidence. Women can always talk to me in complete confidence or contact one of the other brilliant support services available. Never give up hope - you can always do something about it."

Converted for the new archive on 30 June 2000. Some images and formatting may have been lost in the conversion.