I AM currently rehearsing for pantomime in Norwich where, in their wisdom, they have asked me to play King Rat, rather than the dame which I have played for the last few years.

Perhaps they have been reading my articles in this paper and have deduced, quite rightly (some readers would doubtless suggest), that the adjective "grumpy" better describes your columnist than does "mumsy".

Suffice it to say that my family were only mildly surprised when I donned a merry yuletide hat that bore the legend "Bah Humbug" last year.

"All in the interests of humour!", I protested, to little avail.

Playing the villain in panto does however have a pretty useful cathartic effect.

After hours trudging round crowded streets full of hundreds of other people similarly seeking inspiration because they have no idea what to buy for assorted relatives, workmates and neighbours who already have everything they want, the opportunity to harangue a thousand people (and get paid for it) is undeniably attractive.

Theatres are able to subsidise the rest of their seasons from the revenue generated by pantomime and therefore cram as many shows into that four or five week period during which parents want to re-live their own memories of Christmas and rediscover the magical world of panto through the eyes of their children.

That opportunity to fill the theatres means that I shall be plotting the downfall of Dick Whittington and his cat twice daily, including Sundays, and three times on Saturdays.

The most popular shows are those on Boxing Day and it is quite hard to tiptoe away at the crack of dawn with my turkey sandwiches clasped in my hand, while the rest of the house are sleeping off the excesses of the day before.

It also means that drinking stops when Christmas lunch is over.

To ensure I am driving off sober! But the expectant buzz and excitement of the children audience soon lifts everyone for the matinee.

And at least we don't suffer quite as much as those other entertainers - footballers.

Playing matches on Boxing Day to entertain us (well, those of us who aren't in or attending panto!) means that they often have to either train on Christmas Day or travel to another ground miles away if they're not playing at home.

Now, that really is a sacrifice too far. Everyone should be able to spend at least Christmas Day with their families. Well everyone who wants to anyway.